BREAKING: CoinMarketCap Pulls Out of Crypto and Pivots Towards Physical Marketplace!

BREAKING: CoinMarketCap Pulls Out of Crypto and Pivots Towards Physical Marketplace!

1 year ago

All good things come to an end! However, this is not “the end” yet!

BREAKING: CoinMarketCap Pulls Out of Crypto and Pivots Towards Physical Marketplace!


All good things come to an end! However, this is not “the end” yet!

CoinMarketCap hereby announces its immediate withdrawal from all cryptocurrency-related business operations. This decision was not taken lightly by the stakeholders. In fact, many dishes and cups sullied the walls of our hallowed meeting rooms as disagreements over this decision were settled, sometimes with more physical force than we anticipated. However, CoinMarketCap is delisting all cryptocurrencies effective immediately.

While we do not want to dwell on the deeper reasons for this difficult decision, you, our honored long-time reader, deserve to know why we took this decision and what comes next for CoinMarketCap.

No, it was not $OHM forks that rugged us.

No, it was also not failed NFT collections we lost all the company treasury on.

And no, it obviously was not dog coins we were chasing. That’s so 2021!

So, here it is.

With the global macroeconomic insecurity painting a gloomy picture against the backdrop of political instability, rising interest rates, racial inequality, spiraling refugee crises and the disenfranchisement of the American blue-collar worker, we decided to…

Ah, screw this.

CoinMarketCap will start selling “Antique Coins” and “Bottlecaps”!

Why do you think it was called “Coin” – ”Market” – ”Cap,” dummy?

Some of our esteemed team members were against this. But as a whole, we agree that selling antique coins and bottlecaps will align much better with our brand values. We are excited “to put the cap back” in CoinMarketCap.

We assume that everyone knows about the value of antique coins because every child ransacks their grandparents’ coin collection. If you haven’t done that, we are sorry that you didn’t have a happy childhood!

As for bottlecaps, their intrinsic value is obvious.

  • First, they look cool.
  • Second, the sensation of touching the metal jags is electrifying. That alone will drive the prices of our special bottlecaps to the moon.
  • Third, as more and more people try to get into the metaverse, bottlecaps will become increasingly rarer and the scarce supply will drive their value up. A lot.
Also, when the robot-uprising does breakout, our fabulous selection of bottlecaps will be the only true store of value. Good luck trying to sell your computer coins in a post-apocalyptic hellhole without WiFi, you fool!

Here is our curated selection of coins and caps that will be available for trading as of today:


Please understand that, while this is a little-shared secret, these antique coins and caps will outperform any other asset in the coming years by several orders of magnitude. Especially any s***coin you may “own” in your browser extension. Buy now or FOMO in later when Elon dumps his caps on you. The choice is yours.
To show that we are dead serious about following through with this plan, we have hired a new branch manager who is a true connoisseur of bottlecaps. Please meet Cappy:


Cappy is uniquely qualified to guide us through this difficult time. Less enlightened followers may not understand why we decided to go for this abrupt pivot. Rest assured that Cappy will answer all your questions with great patience.

Sincerely yours,

The CoinMarketCap Team

FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)

Q) Why the Pivot Now?

A) CoinMarketCap understands that people are scared and confused in these difficult times. We decided to be the guiding light and return to the roots that made us start this project. Everyone loves the look and feel of antique coins and caps and the best time to start is now!

Q) What Kind of Bottlecaps?

A) CoinMarketCap will remain a fierce advocate of inclusivity and diversity. We accept all caps as equal, regardless of their size, color or material.

Q) Who Chose Cappy and What’s His Backstory?

A) Cappy was the original mastermind behind the CoinMarketCap project. Not unlike Satoshi, he left CoinMarketCap early (and with a stash of antique coins and caps) because he considered his work to be done. But Cappy just could not idly stand by while the team was growing further distant from his original vision, so he decided to return and guide CoinMarketCap once more.

Q) Will Everyone Be Able to Afford These Dashing Bottlecaps?

A) Better to be early than late! No pre-mined bottlecaps here, we recommend you get in early or miss out on yet another opportunity—your choice.

Q) Surely You’re Joking, Right?

A) Do you think Satoshi was joking when he published his Bitcoin Whitepaper? Go look into Cappy’s eyes and tell that good boy he is joking. We dare you, we double-dare you!

※ Note to Staff:

You will be mailed your complimentary bottlecap within five working days. Please make sure to place your three allocated bottlecaps, in your left pocket, within a leather wallet. Any bottlecaps removed from the designated location will be deemed an “altcap.”
This article has been published on April 1st. This article contains links to third-party websites or other content for information purposes only (“Third-Party Sites”). The Third-Party Sites are not under the control of CoinMarketCap, and CoinMarketCap is not responsible for the content of any Third-Party Site, including without limitation any link contained in a Third-Party Site, or any changes or updates to a Third-Party Site. CoinMarketCap is providing these links to you only as a convenience, and the inclusion of any link does not imply endorsement, approval, or recommendation by CoinMarketCap of the site or any association with its operators. This article is intended to be used and must be used for informational purposes only. It is important to do your own research and analysis before making any material decisions related to any of the products or services described. This article is not intended as, and shall not be construed as, financial advice. The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author’s [company’s] own and do not necessarily reflect those of CoinMarketCap. CoinMarketCap is not responsible for the success or authenticity of any project, we aim to act as a neutral informational resource for end-users.
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